I almost didn't write this blog because it's hard to be honest about the fact that a lot of days I'm finding things tough. But it's so easy to make your online presence into a highlights reel even though we all know that's not reality.
The thing is, I know that I don't really have anything to complain about. My family is safe, Kevin is working from home which means he's around more at the beginning and end of the day, I'm still on maternity leave so childcare isn't an issue, we both have jobs that are secure so we don't have to worry about money (any more than usual) and all those close to us are currently well.
We're very lucky.
Lots of days I feel lucky. I feel grateful and I really enjoy my kids and the things we're still managing to get up to. We're trying to fill our days with fun activities and it has been good a lot of the time. I know Skye is loving all the baking and messy play and extra games of hide and seek with Daddy. It's good for Max too that he's not being dragged all over the place after Skye. He's actually starting to nap better in the daytime and I think the fact that we're home is helping.
But some days are really hard. Days with a toddler and a baby can be relentless at the best of times but it's even harder keeping everyone happy at the moment. And even though I know I shouldn't, I feel so low sometimes. I miss seeing family and friends, miss being able to go to the park, being able to go to a baby class or the library or just to meet friends. I miss new places. I miss eating out. I've even started to miss bloody soft play! I miss my days with Max while Skye is at nursery. I miss the freedom to choose what we do with our days.
I miss being on my own. I feel so claustrophobic sometimes it makes me want to scream. Isn't that an awful thing to say considering how much I have to be grateful for? And the guilt over feeling that way makes it so much worse.
I almost didn't write this blog at all because I know some of you reading it will probably be thinking I should just get over myself. But I wanted to write it because I needed to say these things outside my own head. And I hope that at least one person reading this will feel reassured that it's ok to feel this way sometimes too.